You lift your head once again, the sight familiar. Cold ground crunches under your feet as your mind searches inwardly in haphazard pursuit of the distant fire that has always held your course steady. Yet, like fighting a swarm of darkness with a single candle; your mind is surrounded by the all too familiar, self incriminating locus that seem relentless at making clarity of thought a chore. Ah! you say, shaking your head and lifting your hand to relieve your nose of the chill induced drizzle coming off of it.

“Regain focus,” you chant under your breath. It’s wild how one fall can bring such a whirlwind of confusion up here. Like an arrow deflating your resolve you hear the echo’s of accusation surround again. “Stupid Idiot!” why did you do that? You’ll never make it if you keep making such blatant mistakes! It all seems so real, the voice of truth right? You were the one who took that step right? The locust take a bite, and you momentarily reply with a defeated breath, not audibly with your vocal cords, but with incredible volume in your soul you sigh, “yea i’m such a failure.” As if almost unavoidable, the sting of shame you self administer, metaphorically pulling off your parka and letting the cold air surround your core, a mistake all mountaineers know not to make at this elevation.

The defeat feels crushing and you hate being here. Perhaps, it wouldn’t be as big of a deal if you hadn’t hiked so far, just to be back at ground zero again! There has got to be a way out of this cycle. Again your mind cranks into a gear and you regain traction for a second, taking a few labor laced steps in the direction you knew you were traveling moments earlier. “Keep moving,” you hear as a flicker of hope crosses the horizon of your mind. I guess the next step is all that I have, your heavy body responds by lifting its lagging muscles along.

Suddenly, your inner dialogue is sharply interrupted by the grounded voice of your climbing partner behind you, slowly but clearly stating a question in your direction. His voice cracks temporarily as you hear him clear his throat sending a quick luugy into the crystalized ice below your feet. The sounds your body make up here, as it fights to stay equalized, are not always the most pleasant. “

Don’t you remember?” He asks. Remember what? You respond with confusion. “There is a difference between a cliff and a summit.” Falling off a cliff brings you to ground zero, tripping before a summit leaves you, well… right where you left off. Your mind races as you realize that your partner must have seen your recent stumble, as you battle to find the source of such kindness in his statement your mind plunges into justification again. Didn’t he realize what was at stake here? A fall like this could have ended both of our climbs, possibly even our lives. Again, your thoughts are interrupted as he continues to explain his thoughts toward your mistake. “A fall is never failure, failure is only real when it convinces you that you have lost all your progress up to this point. Friend look around, you’re still at elevation!” Don’t let that slip distract you from the victory of your position! We are only moments away from the greatest victories we have ever seen, keep your heart clear, and your head held high! Nothing is permanent, we will stand in the reality of the dreams within us.

As if charged by an increased electrical current you swing your arm with a new force, splintering the tip of your ice axe deep into the glacial mass above your head; inwardly making a declaration to your soul that you will not give up this position. Hope floods your bones as your eyes clear from the deafening swarm, seeing the truth that you really are at elevation. This was not a cliff but just a stumble before the summit. Like a weight loosed from your back you pull your pulsing frame closer to the summit before you. For this is your territory. This is what you were built to do. You once again realize that you are a mountaineer and you will not let one ounce of temporary defeat stop you from the summits in front of you. You look down below you as the fragments of ice shower your partner below, with a new found courage you lock gaze with him and shout with intrigue, “well then, lets get this thing!”